When you've been sad or sick or depressed or likewise for so long, happiness actually becomes scary. This may sound very weird to those who never been there doing that, I mean, how can happiness be scary? But believe me, it can be so freaking fucking scary. All your identity is darkness and illness, happiness is an unknown destination, and its just exactly the things we don't know anything about, that we are most scared of, the fucking freaking unknown. Who am I if I laugh for real? Who am I if I'm not longer the one with no friends? Will anyone care for me then? Will my life be empty? Yeah. This is so weird too, but also so logic for someone like me.

How can life possibly be empty if you find some friends? I'll tell you. Because you've been creating some kind of personality in being lonely, and people have felt sorry for you and yes I know this sounds soo stupid too but you've kind of found some comfy safetyness in that, in being the alone kid, the one others feel sorry for. And you've been able to always protect yourself from things with the line: "I can't do that/don't have to do that cause I'm lonely", and so on. And there is actually no good way to describe this awkward ambivalent crazy weird situation and feelings. But what I want to say is that happiness is okay. It's okay to choose happiness.

Your identity is not in you're illness nor your mood. Identity is something further deeper than so. No matter how dark your life may have been or is, discovering happiness, shouldn't be something you're supposed to feel ashamed of. It's scary. But trust me. It's okay. And most important: choosing happiness does not mean that you're never aloud to cry and feel anxious or sad or whatever. We're human for fuck sake. We're blessed with emotions of all kind and we're not aimed to just pic one of those and never another. I'm happy. I'm sad. I'm human.